photo credit: iowa_spirit_walker

Often our image and understanding of God is affected by own experiences. Our understanding of the meaning of the word “Father” is affected because our own father was abusive or we grew up without knowing our own fathers. As sad as it may sound there are indeed many people who can not put words “loving” and “father” in one sentence.

When we talk about his justice and forgiveness we often see him as tyrant or unmerciful CEO- not without fault of our preachers, pastors and priests. He is going to punish us real bad if we don’t say 100s of Lord’s Prayers.

Finally when we talk about relationship with him, often it is a “one way street” type of relationship. We ask favors and fail to listen to what He has to say. This type of relationship of course is doomed and will leave us disappointed, as any relationship that is not build on love.

God’s love for us was manifested in a most convincing way when his only Son died for our sins on the Cross. Our response to his great forgiveness must begin with love.

Take Peter for example. According with the Gospel of St. John (John 21:15-17), the first time Peter spoke to Jesus it was answering Jesus’ questions if Peter loved him. Was Peter’s heart and conscious burdened with the knowledge that just few days ago he made a “u-turn” away from Christ, by saying “I don not know the man” (Matthew 26:72)? Didn’t he needed to hear from Jesus that he was forgiven for betraying him? Why on earth would Jesus be asking Peter if Peter loved him?!!

Peter did not need to hear he was forgiven. He already knew that! He witnessed Jesus performing miracles and heal the sick on countless of occasions. Peter hear him say “your sins are for given” to many of the healed.

What probably Peter needed, as we do as well, is to open our spiritual eyes- something that can not be done without love. To receive and fully appreciate God’s love, we need to love Him too.

Many men and women are convinced that abortion was that “u-turn” away from God. Our journey back to him should begin with love. At the end of this journey we will discover that although we may have made a u-turn away from God, God did not leave us nor did He ever stopped loving us (John 3:16 ).

This year the conference will take place in Oak Brook, IL – the suburbs of Chicago. The conference will include the following topics:

• Fatherhood Lost: The Biology of Fatherhood and His Role in an Abortion Decision
• Men and Abortion: A Review of the Research
• Trauma and Abortion: When Men Hollow
• Fatherhood without Paternity? Implications of Reproductive Technology
• Understanding Male Spiritual Growth and the Process of Healing
• Wounded Fathers: Why Do They Come for Help
• Medicating the Pain of Lost Fatherhood: Looking For Their Pain In All The Wrong Places
• Forgiveness Therapy with Post-Abortion Men
• The Masculine Side of Healing

If you are interested in attending this conference please visit the official website of Reclaiming Fatherhood.

photo credit: jonathanrperkins

This forgiveness that you are searching for, is a complicated and some times lengthy process. During this process you will need to find forgiveness from God, forgiveness from your child and of course you will have to forgive yourself. This journey is not easy and certainly is unique for every one. While many may have walked a similar journey, no one really was “wearing your shoes”. For some pieces of the puzzle fall into places rather quickly. For others it takes long time and good amount of internal struggle.

In the upcoming weeks we will publish several articles that will delve into this process forgiveness. We don’t pretend to offer an “bulletproof” answer that would suit every single person. However we hope that our readers will help us along the way by sharing their experience and testifying that you are not alone on this path.

In our first series we will be focusing on God’s forgiveness as we will walk you through some examples from the Holy Scriptures. If you are already a regular visitor to our website, we invite you to participate in the comments- good can use you and what you have experienced to help and heal other people. If this is your first time to our website, make sure to subscribe so you will not miss our future posts.

In particular we would like to apologize to those who tried to contact Vicki Thorn through this website. While we are in regular contact, this website was unattended since last November. If you would like to reach Vicki, please call National Office of Post Abortion Healing and Reconciliation at 1-800-5WE-CARE .

Changes on Our Website

As we plan to grow the community of readers here at Healing After Abortion, we have implemented several changes to the way comments are handled, moderated and displayed. One thing you will notice right away that comments will no longer be held in moderation and will appear on our website immediately after you click “Ad Comment” button. We will however moderate the comments to prevent spam.

Again, we apologize for such a long period of silence. We hope this new phase in the life of our website will benefit many.

By Vicki Thorn

The lie that has been perpetrated in our society from the legalization of abortion on is that abortion is a woman’s issue. It is her choice. It is between her and her doctor. Men have been cut out of the decision process or told they have to be compliant.

If there are over 43 million abortions in this country since abortion was legalized, there are 43 million men who are impacted by an abortion loss. These men usually suffer in silence or sometimes act out in rage, in what may become a murder/suicide.

Why would a pregnancy make a difference to a man? Because the man is tied to his partner by means of certain scent hormones called pheremones. These are scent molecules of affiliation. They are not the same as the scent of food or perfume. They are perceived by different cells in the nose and the brain, but this information that they transmit impacts our lives in many ways. They are why women who spend much time together cycle together. Mothers know the smell of their baby right after birth and fathers know it within a few days. It is why we automatically smell the top of the head of a newborn baby we are holding.

It seems that men recognize by scent when women are fertile and when they are pregnant. Some men report knowing that their partner was pregnant before she did. I know in our family, my nephew knew my niece was pregnant before she did.

In other cultures it is recognized that 60 to 90% of men will have some symptoms of pregnancy with their wife. I learned about this in an anthropology course at the University of Minnesota many years ago. No one in our culture seems to have heard of this, If the poor man is one of the 20% who are really sick and he goes to the doctor, no doctor ever asks if his partner is pregnant. He just assumes he has a virus and that it will go away. It does, right before birth.

But there is even more to the story. In the 6 weeks before birth, the man undergoes hormonal changes. His testosterone drops, making him less aggressive and sexually interested. His naturally occurring estrogen climbs, making him more gentle. His stress hormone, cortisol, rises and he is in an alert stage, needing to protect mother and child. He gets more of the hormone vasopressin, which is a bonding hormone, effectively Mother Nature’s way of saying “sit, stay!” And about the time the baby arrives he gets prolactin, which is the nursing hormone in women. Why would he get that? Well, prolactin makes us nice. We smile more and we are very helpful. Isn’t that just what a new mother with a newborn needs? “Of course, I’ll go get diapers, even if it is midnight!”

It doesn’t even end there. Research on certain monkeys who are good parents finds that the male brain changes. He gets more brain cell growth in the front of his brain, the rational, logical thinking part. Researchers say the cells last until the offspring becomes independent, but don’t define at what age independence happens: 2, 12, 22 or 35. At that time, the cells begin to die off.

And, when the hormones return to normal, the testosterone never returns to the pre-fatherhood level or the bachelor level. The man is forever changed by the pregnancy.

When men grieve following an abortion, they articulate grieving for lost fatherhood. He was denied the opportunity to complete the biological changes that were begun with the pregnancy.

A good book for a man dealing with an abortion loss is “Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing” by C. T. Coyle. This is for any man, regardless of how he was involved in the abortion. It uses a forgiveness model of healing. It can be purchased from LifeCycleBooks

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This article is an intellectual property of Vicki Thorn. Republishing of this article is not permitted without her expressed premission.

Picture by Wazari

Again we welcome Vicki and look forward to read her articles and posts. She also is a moderator of one of the forums “Ask Vicki Thorn”, where you can ask her question or maybe even share your own experience.

Over the time of almost 30 years of working and helping people to deal with post abortion trauma, Vicki believes that abortion affects not only women who have abortions, but also their families and even friends.

Please stay tuned to read her articles on our website. Feel free to recommend our website to your friends, we have limited resources in order to market our website as many other Internet “giants” do and mostly rely on “spreading” the word about our site.

This inability to hear you is not her fault and generally has to do with what is happening to her and her body on a biochemical level. Often facing an abortion, woman finds herself under much pressure and stress. This causes her adrenaline levels to rise and counteracts the effects of oxytocin a hormone that is on the rise during pregnancy and is at it’s peak during the labor and delivery. This hormone is also responsible for putting us in a “caring” state of mind, and if you want to talk “babies” to your friend or a family member, when she is in a “caring” state of mind would be the most appropriate time to do so.

In order to help her, you should be willing to do all that you possibly can to eliminate the stress and an pressures she is under. Being argumentative will only add to pressure and stress. Sometimes we may think that if we present our argument in a loving manner, she some how will be able to hear us. But the truth is that we are taking a big chance perusing this road.

So what can you do? Some times it is not so easy to eliminate stress and pressure from a particular situation, but there are simple ways that may help you to do just that. If you can afford, take your friend on a “girls day out” to a spa saloon. Good message and pampering will help to lover the adrenaline levels and may contribute to putting your friends mind into a “caring” state. Do not force the abortion topic or a “baby talk” on her unnecessarily, if she brings up the topic do not shy from it, but also do not force her into taking about it if she is not willing.

Another step you can consider is to take her out (physically) of the stressful situation. If you can offer her a place to stay where she can find herself in a more relaxing atmosphere, this also may help.

Last but not least, ask her about her diet. When under stress, we completely abandon good diet habits and stick to a junk food. This can contribute to sudden fluctuation of sugar level in our blood, and also takes us on a ride when from be highly energized we suddenly may become tired and depressed. Consider to offer your friend a had when it comes to her diet. She may not be feeling like cooking herself and sometime even reheating an already prepared meal can seam to her like an impossible task. It would be a good idea to provide her with snacks that would be readily available and would not require much time to prepare. Things like cold cuts or already made sandwich could be the best. Make sure that she receives plenty of protein and even some fat with her food. This will help her to level the sugar level in her blood and diminish times when she feels depressed and out of energy.

You can get the CD at Amazon, click on the image below:

Happy Birthday

Today I came across this great post by Annie at After Abortion Blog, and I new right away I have o share it with my readers. It is great to know that not all celebrities are on the left. Great post Annie!

I have created a forum on my website where people can express they feelings, whatever those might be, grief, sadness and even anger. Forum, so far, is the only major addition to my website, so please feel free to check it out.

Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple; all the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now the law of Moses commanded us to stone such. What do you say about her?” This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bend down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you, be the first to throw stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. But hen they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the eldest, and Jesus was left along with the woman standing before him. Jesus looked up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again.”

John 8:1-11 While you may have heard or read this story many times in the past, I would like you to look at it fro maybe a little different point. This woman identified as a prostitute elsewhere in the New Testament. To keep her “profession”, her life was very likely scarred by abortion, or maybe even by many abortions. So when Jesus forgives her, his forgiveness is much deeper than just an act of adultery. There is so much more to this story, and I will try to touch up on it in the future. For now I will leave you with this single thought. Even if you feel like every one around is condemning you for abortion, turn to Jesus because he will say to you, “I do not condemn you, go and do not sin again.”

I would now like to say a special word to women who have had an abortion. The Church is aware of the many factors which may have influenced your decision, and she does not doubt that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision. The wound in your heart may not yet have healed. Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. You will come to understand that nothing is definitively lost and you will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who is now living in the Lord. With the friendly and expert help and advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone’s right to life. Through your commitment to life, whether by accepting the birth of other children or by welcoming and caring for those most in need of someone to be close to them, you will become promoters of a new way of looking at human life.

If nothing else, this book can become very educational in terms of learning what is the true teaching of the catholic church in respect to abortion. This book is available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble, if you cannot afford drop me a line.

Many people can see this as a pure coincident. For me it was a clear sign from God, and it also was the beginning of my journey of healing. Here at my website I would like to share with you my journey. You may or may not be suffering from abortion at this time. No matter who you are, you are welcomed here. I hope that sharing my journey with will help you to understand that God loves you and he forgives you. All he wants is that you will forgive yourself and move to a better place in your life. No matter what people say abortion can not be qualified as a “non-event”. Other things can, but not abortion. If you cut a finger, for example, two weeks from now you would need to stop and think what finger was it, this is what a “non-event” is, it does not alter your life. It is never like that with abortion. Abortion alters people life’s a leaves permanent marks all over. People who were involved in abortion generally react to abortion itself by various actions. They either become active advocates of the procedure, fierce opponents, and some time quiet sufferers. But rarely can some one say that abortion had no effect over their life whatsoever. Right from the beginning I would like you to know, that no matter what your attitude towards abortion is, I will not judge you. All that I intend to do is to share how devastating abortion was for me and how God gently guided me to the place where I am now.

What happens if you subscribed to your website through RSS?

 If you added my website’s feed to Google, Yahoo, or any feed-read application, this move should not affect you and you will continue to receive updates from my website. In fact for the next day or two, you may receive some old articles as “new”, just be patient and ignore them, i am not trying to “spam” you in any way. If you find out that your subscription has been discontinued, it was not my intention you are welcomed to subscribe to my website again.

Why new website?

I always wanted to create a forum for the people who are waling the path of healing after abortion.  It is only possible with a privately hosted website. The forum is the only major addition to the website, the look and the feel of my new website is very similar to what you have seen here.

Will you continue to post here as well?

I have no intention to continue posting on this website in the future. I will however keep this blog for the next month or so, it will help with the transition.

See you on my new website!