Facing some one who is considering an abortion can be difficult and daunting experience. Especially if it is a very close friend or a family member. To understand better what is happening to that woman will help you to chose the right approach in dealing with her decision. Unfortunately most of us would use a “baby” talk right from the start, hoping that she will hear the word “baby” and reconsider the abortion. But the truth is that she may not be able to hear you and actually this kind of approach can be more damaging then helping.
This inability to hear you is not her fault and generally has to do with what is happening to her and her body on a biochemical level. Often facing an abortion, woman finds herself under much pressure and stress. This causes her adrenaline levels to rise and counteracts the effects of oxytocin a hormone that is on the rise during pregnancy and is at it’s peak during the labor and delivery. This hormone is also responsible for putting us in a “caring” state of mind, and if you want to talk “babies” to your friend or a family member, when she is in a “caring” state of mind would be the most appropriate time to do so.
In order to help her, you should be willing to do all that you possibly can to eliminate the stress and an pressures she is under. Being argumentative will only add to pressure and stress. Sometimes we may think that if we present our argument in a loving manner, she some how will be able to hear us. But the truth is that we are taking a big chance perusing this road.
So what can you do? Some times it is not so easy to eliminate stress and pressure from a particular situation, but there are simple ways that may help you to do just that. If you can afford, take your friend on a “girls day out” to a spa saloon. Good message and pampering will help to lover the adrenaline levels and may contribute to putting your friends mind into a “caring” state. Do not force the abortion topic or a “baby talk” on her unnecessarily, if she brings up the topic do not shy from it, but also do not force her into taking about it if she is not willing.
Another step you can consider is to take her out (physically) of the stressful situation. If you can offer her a place to stay where she can find herself in a more relaxing atmosphere, this also may help.
Last but not least, ask her about her diet. When under stress, we completely abandon good diet habits and stick to a junk food. This can contribute to sudden fluctuation of sugar level in our blood, and also takes us on a ride when from be highly energized we suddenly may become tired and depressed. Consider to offer your friend a had when it comes to her diet. She may not be feeling like cooking herself and sometime even reheating an already prepared meal can seam to her like an impossible task. It would be a good idea to provide her with snacks that would be readily available and would not require much time to prepare. Things like cold cuts or already made sandwich could be the best. Make sure that she receives plenty of protein and even some fat with her food. This will help her to level the sugar level in her blood and diminish times when she feels depressed and out of energy.
Women, including myself, will tell you that right after abortion they experience a feeling of “relief”, unfortunately while being true, this was taken as one of the advocating points for abortion. When you go to a clinic you will be inevitably told that first thing that majority of women experience is a feeling of “relief”. In my experience this feeling was very short lasting, it never lasted more than just few days if that. I think it is good to know where this feeling comes from before labeling it as a proof that it helps women.
During stressful times, our body increases the production of adrenaline. Our body produces adrenaline whenever we feel pain, it actually helps us to feel less pain. So can it be that the feeling of “relief” is nothing more than a feeling after riding a fast roller coaster? Indeed roller coaster it is for women who make the decision to abort. Not only they are stressed but often feel considerable amount of pain after the procedure. It would be very interesting to know what are the exact levels of adrenalin in womans body while going through an abortion and shortly after the procedure. I think we are not that much off in assuming that a women who had have abortion do go through a kind of an adrenaline rush and therefore feel this “relief”. Also this is why this feeling of so called relief does not last too long no matter how much a woman tries to hold on to it.
Often feeling of guilt and shame can become a driving force in our life. This is particularly true for women who have had abortions. We can be often confused and misunderstanding about these two feelings, or even unaware that some of our actions are actually only reactions to either of these feelings. One of the steps that may help a woman that have had an abortion, is to tell these two apart by putting them in a proper prospective.
Guilt
While guilt is not something you should live with your entire life, it can be a beneficial force in changing our lives. In any one’s life there were moments when we felt guilty about our actions. Why do we feel guilt then? We generally fee guilty when we are tormented by a memory of certain act that did not corresponded with our moral principles or set of values, we say “I have made a mistake”. Any one can make a mistake and all of us quite often taste the consequences of our mistakes. But if we make a mistake, it does not mean that we have lost our value as human being. A mistake does not affect our dignity, with which we were endowed from conception. Normal feelings of guilt call us to correct the mistake we made, make up for it and reconcile with ourselves and others. When we do this, the feeling of guilt does not persecute us and we cab find peace again.
Shame
Unlike the feeling of guilt that emerges within us and may assume a beneficial role in our life, shame comes from outside. Feeling of shame is provoked by others and it becomes and obstacle in respecting ourselves. There are at least two major causes of shame.
First, shame emerges when parents, teachers, siblings or friends make us understand that they can only love us if we live up to certain conditions. In this case we feel that love for us (or/and lack of such) depends on our behavior, our looks, our success. This love is conditional, love that we need to work for. So when we do not feel loved, we think that we simple did not deserve to be loved.
Second, shame can be provoked by rude treatment of any kind: physical, emotional, sexual, and verbal. Those who treat others with rudeness make the victim believe that he or she deserves it.
No matter what it was caused by, shame can hurt us for many years and may become a “nourishment” for the opinions that we have about ourselves. Under the influence of conditional love or rude and abusive treatment, a person, consciously or not, assimilates a certain “disordered pack” of ideas about their own personality. You may find many women say about themselves: “There is nothing good in me”, “I am stupid”, “It’s my own fault that I became pregnant”, “I need to hide this for the rest of my life”, “I am not worthy (or capable) to be a mother”, “I am not worthy to have normal relations with a man”, “I had one abortion already, why shouldn’t I have one more?”, “I need to punish myself or let other people treat me badly because I don’t deserve anything else.”
While feeling of guilt can be corrected, in some instances rather quickly, by asking forgiveness for our mistakes, feeling of shame can only be healed by love and truth and may require much longer time.
In freeing yourself from the power of shame, a woman needs to remember that who she is, is not defined by actions or opinions of other people. No matter how many mistakes she personally made, she a is a human being that deserves love and respect for her dignity. Since feeling of shame may have it’s roots in very early childhood or due to rude and abusive treatments, this woman may need strong reassurance from friends and family, that no matter how bad her mistakes were she is loved unconditionally.
Eight years after she aborted her baby, Madam Diana Ng went to a temple at Sims Avenue on Monday to offer prayers.
With her in the second floor hall of the Cai Shen (Fortune God) temple were other mostly young Singaporean couples at a ceremony to put their past behind them. More than 1,200 couples had registered.
This only shows that abortion and it’s aftereffects know no boundaries when it comes to one’s religion and belief, it affects a woman whether she believes in Buddha, Brahman, Allah or Christ.
There will be time in your journey of healing that you finally will be able to tell your story. For me it one of the most difficult steps I took. It is not easy to express what what you felt or feeling. You may be afraid of being judged, or afraid that in telling your story you may stir up more pain.
Loss that you have suffered to abortion is not recognized by many, it is very real loss and it needs to be dealt with. You may even need to tell your story more than just once and it will take much courage on your part. But in telling your story you will have a chance to lift up years of burden, guilt and pain.
You maybe wondering where to being? Some women are able to begin telling their stories from the time they went to the clinic. Some may need to say what had happened before the procedure or after it. The abortion itself may have been so painful that it could have made you numb. Maybe the events preceding the abortion where so stressful that you felt that abortion itself was nothing comparing to those events.
No matter where you begin tell your story as it is. Truth will hurt but it also will liberate you. If you like to share your story on our forum, there maybe some one who knows exactly how your feel and no one will judge you. Down the road your story may even help other women who may try to make sense of all that had happened.
While many on the left argue about possible “benefits” of embryonic research, without providing a solid evidence to back their rhetorics, health of women is already at risk. Donating embryos is not as safe as one may think. Women are dying and being left with serious complications donating eggs.
Today I came across this great post by Annie at After Abortion Blog, and I new right away I have o share it with my readers. It is great to know that not all celebrities are on the left. Great post Annie!
After reviewing the logs on my website, I realized that I have beginning to get approximately 25-70 visitors a day, for a very short time of this website’s life it is a good achievement.
I would like to offer an opportunity to post abortion ministries across the world to be featured on my website. Pleas contact me with information about your particular ministry at feedback@healing-ater-abortion.com. Please provide your contact information, whether or not you offer retreats if you do please e-mail the dates of your upcoming retreats, if you offer support groups the days and times when your support groups meet.
Often women who have been through and abortion can experience flashbacks to the procedure. These can come in the time least expected and can even contribute to the dynamics of relationship. Little things like noise of a vacuum cleaner, can remind you of the suction equipment, music that was played in the waiting room or during the procedure or even treats like cookies and candy’s you ate in the recovery room. The flashback can be even triggered by a visito to emergency room while sitting in the waiting room. Sometimes the flash backs can be quiet intense and can almost “freeze” you up.
The flashbacks can take you back to also events preceding the abortion as well and sometimes these flash back can be innocently caused by the people you love and love you. Unfortunately they can affect you new relationships and sometimes even prevent you from having real relationships. As long as there is something you hide and your new boyfriend or husband has no idea what is being hidden from them, they may think that they are doing something wrong, but the truth is that they are not. I am not saying that one should go around and tell the entire world that you have had an abortion, not at all. You are entitled to your privacy, and hopefully there is a kind of unconditional trust in your new relationship that no explanation is needed. It is more important for a woman herself to understand why she reacts to certain “triggers”, it will help not get get cut off guard when a flashback comes back again.
My childhood was brutal. I was abandoned by my father when I was two-and-a-half. Then when he reappeared in my life again at the age of eight, it became worse. I survived incest, starvation, and beatings.
I clung to life. It was my two abortions that nearly destroyed me.
When I became pregnant for the fifth time in seven years, my doctor asked me if I really thought I should “continue the pregnancy.” Abortion had never occurred to me until he suggested it.
My husband said, “It’s your decision. Do what you want,” and left for work. Naively, I began looking for women who had had abortions. But I couldn’t find anyone who would admit to having had one. I asked my doctor and he said, “It only takes a few minutes and it’s over.”
Having already had four babies, I am now appalled at how ignorant I was about fetal development. My doctor said the baby–at six-and-a-half weeks–was “just a blob,” and I believed him. Afterwards, before I even got home, I began to cry. It didn’t help.
When finally I stopped crying on the outside, I kept crying on the inside. I felt so dirty and alone. Something deep inside of me froze, I think. I dreamed a lot about snow and ice, as well as about babies. I felt cheated, betrayed, and manipulated.
I went to counseling and the psychologist said, “forgive yourself,” and “let yourself go on.” She didn’t say how.
Two years later, I had another abortion as an act of self-punishment. I wanted to die, or at least go crazy so I could escape the torment, the nightmares about babies, the self-disgust and the degradation I felt.
November 8, 2006 
Posted in Abortion, Abortion facts, After abortion, Friends, Grandparents, Men, Siblings, Women 
No Comments »
Often feeling of guilt and shame can become a driving force in our life. This is particularly true for women who have had abortions. We can be often confused and misunderstanding about these two feelings, or even unaware that some of our actions are actually only reactions to either of these feelings. One of the steps that may help a woman that have had an abortion, is to tell these two apart by putting them in a proper prospective.
Eight years after she aborted her baby, Madam Diana Ng went to a temple at Sims Avenue on Monday to offer prayers.
While many on the left argue about possible “benefits” of embryonic research, without providing a solid evidence to back their rhetorics, health of women is already at risk. Donating embryos is not as safe as one may think. Women are dying and being left with serious complications donating eggs.
Often women who have been through and abortion can experience flashbacks to the procedure. These can come in the time least expected and can even contribute to the dynamics of relationship. Little things like noise of a vacuum cleaner, can remind you of the suction equipment, music that was played in the waiting room or during the procedure or even treats like cookies and candy’s you ate in the recovery room. The flashback can be even triggered by a visito to emergency room while sitting in the waiting room. Sometimes the flash backs can be quiet intense and can almost “freeze” you up.
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